Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Fashion and Iron Chef are Basically the Same Thing

Have you ever noticed that the world of fashion is essentially one gigantic episode of Iron Chef? They run four episodes a year: Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter.

If you don't believe me, check this out and see whether you think I'm wrong:

We are introduced to the "host" who will be deciding the style/food that will be this year's challenge. The person who makes this introduction is crazily dressed and may or may not be insane:

Superstar Clothing Designer

Iron Chef Chairman

This "host" then declares to the viewing public what will be this year's challenge for the world's designers/episode's chefs:

You WILL bare the midriff

I think the caption above says it all

Chaos ensues as the designers/chefs from some of the worlds most notable retailers/restaurants try to get their clothes/meals on the shelves/plates before the fad/episode is over:

Hand hurts... must work faster!

I just cut off my pinkie... I hope he didn't notice

Along the way, the different designers/chefs search for inspiration to give their store/meal an edge over the others:

I like these ruffles... I can work with this

For the love of... what is that? Is it edible? Maybe I
should use it. Oh god, I hope I don't kill anyone...

In the end, each designer puts out their fashion line/dishes and hopes for the best:

Crop top battle entries

Sturgeon battle entries

Once completed, the entries are placed before a panel of judges. While those judges are often men:

"The one on the left is great!"
"I know, that's why you're taking the one on the right."

"This is alright, but I'd try anything once just
so I could say that I did it."

In reality the harshest critiques come from women:

"She looks pretty good in that...
because she's a WHORE!"

"With the choices you made I would say you did very well.
I was just wondering though... what made you
decide to include feces as an ingredient?

In the end a winner is declared:

"Yay! I get to keep my job!"

"Yay! I get to keep my job!"

In the end though, people who have highly specific tastes in fashion/food tend to be disappointed by that season/episode's offerings. As always: The less refined your tastes, the more likely you are to have your needs met:

A man had a heart attack and died while eating here.
I'm not making that up.

If you don't think fashion has a lot in common with Iron Chef by now, I don't think I'll ever be able to convince you.

*Side note: I wanted to put in a "Success/Failure" section, which would have been easy for the food dish (sturgeon ice cream? really?), but would have ended up pretty judgmental for the clothing. That said, I think we can all agree on what a "failure" would look like for someone wearing a crop-top. We're all picturing that? Yeah? Okay, just so we're clear. By the way, apparently crop tops really are the look for Summer 2012. God help us all.

This post may seem like a bunch of pictures thrown together, but holy hell did I have to look at an ass-ton of photos to put this thing together.

"Oh poor Paul," you say. "Having to look at all those pictures of beautiful women on the runway."

NO! This was not fun! Have you ever seen the preying mantis' who model clothing nowadays? Ask Erika - I was physically sickened by having to look at shots of these painfully skinny women. And they're only like that because they wouldn't have jobs otherwise. You may have noticed that I stopped swearing in this blog, but if ever I were to break it out again, now's the time. So here it is... wait for it...


I know I'm not the first one to make this point before, but for the love of all that is good and holy why is this allowed to continue? And I'm talking to you women - the ones who buy the fashion magazines that ask people to distort their bodies for the... uh... to create a... um, a moneymaking...

Oh shit. Didn't I just write an article about how the NFL asks players to damage their bodies in ridiculous ways but the audience doesn't care - we demand 300 pound linemen, post-concussion syndrome, and people with re-re-re-repaired knees going out on the field for our own enjoyment? And am I going to drop out of my fantasy football league because of this revelation?

Sadly, no. So I guess until I stop watching football I'll just have to keep my mouth shut.

Sigh. Sometimes people suck.

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