Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Lost Lyrics

I have a pretty varied list of musical tastes, probably because I come from a musical family. I'll listen to rock, classical, R&B, opera, rap... whatever. Just so long as I like the sound of it. There's only one thing that's a surefire killer for me no matter how good a song is musically: Lyrics.

I hate bad lyrics. Kills the song for me. That's probably why I don't like most pop songs. Ooo, look at me! I'm 13 years old and I know soooo much about relationships!


Sidebar: I actually took a list of Justin Bieber songs, put it into an excel spreadsheet, randomized it, and saw what spit out. A song called "One Less Lonely Girl" about - you guessed it - teenage romance. Good times.

Sidebar to the Sidebar: The song was written by the immortal songwriting team of Ezekiel Lewis, Balewa Muhammad, Sean Hamilton, and Hyuk Shin. Once they finished pounding out "One Less Lonely Girl" they moved on to UN Resolution 409 concerning the state of the world's freshwater supplies.

It's not just teens singing moronically that kills a tune for me. For instance. I got into Kings of Leon for a bit. Then I started picking up on their lyrics:

From "Pickup Truck":

Hate to be so emotional
I didn't aim to get physical
But when he pulled in and revved it up
I said, 'you call that a pick up truck?'
And in the moonlight I throwed him down
Kickin' screamin' & rolling around
A little piece of a bloody tooth
Just so you know I was thinking of you
Just so you know ohhhhh

Then there's this, from "Crawl":

You broke my mouth
The bloody bits are spittin' out
Is your grave unscathed?
The worm is countin' down the day

Dude, learn how to fight! Seriously; does a songwriting session start with you going out and getting your ass kicked? Granted, this is what they look like, so maybe getting your ass kicked is more of a common occurrence in their world than in mine:

My most hit and miss category is definitely rap/R&B. For instance, I really like K'Naan, a guy who spent his youth in Somalia before coming to Canada as a refugee:

From "ABC's":

I'm from the most risky zone, oh
No place is more shifty global
More pistols, Russian revolvers
We shootin' all that is normal

But it ain't just because we want to
We ain't got nowhere we can run to
Somebody please press the undo
They only teach us the things that guns do

Or this, from "Wavin' Flag":

So many wars, settling scores
Bringing us promises, leaving us poor
I heard them say 'love is the way'
'Love is the answer,' that's what they say

But look how they treat us, make us believers
We fight their battles, then they deceive us
Try to control us, they couldn't hold us
'Cause we just move forward like Buffalo Soldiers

But we struggling, fighting to eat
And we wondering, when we'll be free
So we patiently wait for that faithful day
It's not far away but for now we say

When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom just like a wavin' flag

YEEEAAAHHHHH!!! Now them's some lyrics! Ok, so yeah. I like K'Naan. Mostly because he doesn't glorify violence or sing about getting drunk and bangin "Ho's". That's the kind of thing that can really turn me off a song, even if I like the artist. For instance, I like B.O.B. for the most part, but a song like Strange Clouds?
All we do is pour it up
All night, drinks out
(That's how we do it)
(That's how we do it)
And all we do it light it up
All night, all you see is strange clouds
Strange clouds, strange clouds

Not working for me.

Last but not least... actually no. It is least. I don't like country. With country music you need start with the assumption it's bad lyrics and move on from there. It's literally all about divorce/alcohol/trucks/rodeo. It's the most depressing art form on the planet! Don't believe me? Try this on for size:

It's time to pack our bags and hit the highway
And head on back for Christmas holiday
I'll fall apart when I pull in the driveway
It's my first time home since brother passed away

His favorite time was always Christmas
We'd reminisce about the days gone by
Oh, how I wish that he were still here with us
My memories of him will never die

Do you know what the blacked out lines say? Here, let me reveal them:
It's time to pack our bags and hit the highway
And head on back for Christmas holiday
I'll fall apart when I pull in the driveway
It's my first time home since brother passed away

His favorite time was always Christmas
We'd reminisce about the days gone by
Oh, how I wish that he were still here with us
My memories of him will never die

This is what passes for a Christmas song in country? My god people  lighten up for crying out loud! No wonder your dog ran away with the truck.


How is boxing still a sport? It's a contest predicated entirely on the concept of inflicting long-lasting physical harm on the other person. You could literally have a sport called "Competitive Choking" and it wouldn't be as physically damaging to its athletes as boxing is.

Where else would you see this? And heck, if this is ok why not other sports like Ear Biting or Ball-Punching? Oh wait... those things already happen in boxing!

Sorry boxing. When UFC is a safer sport than you, maybe it's time to move on.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Weathering the Storm

I should have been a weatherman. Weatherperson? Maybe that's what you're supposed to say but I'm a guy as well as a person soooo... I'm sticking with weatherman. When describing myself anyway. I'll do my best to be politically correct elsewhere.

Anyhoo, I bet you I could do that job with no training whatsoever and there wouldn't be a noticeable difference between my forecasts and anyone else's. Now don't get me wrong; there's lots of stuff weatherpeople do. Nimbuses and clouds and pressure and prevailing winds and stuff. Plus the radar and thingys. Heck, they even have something in Seattle called "double doppler radar" that they're very proud of, despite the fact that it sounds porn-related.

The thing is, weathermammals do a crap-ton of work to get 5% more accuracy than looking at a calendar and glancing out the window before saying "Hmm... looks like rain. Bet tomorrow will be rainy too." Oh sure, there's long-term forecasts but those would be easy enough to deal with. I'd just always predict moderate to poor weather for the weekend. That way anyone who got upset when they saw the forecast would be pleasantly surprised, instead of angry that the weather didn't go the way they wanted it to. Simple. As for other days? Well c'mon, how hard is this to predict:

Cloudy with a 60% chance of showers? Way to go out on a limb there guys. "Meh... it'll either rain or it won't." Not exactly something you can plan a golf trip around. And for crying out loud, is there an easier place in the world to predict the weather in than Vancouver? Africa during monsoon season? Summer in the Sahara? Winter in Antarctica? "Here's your forecast for McMurdo Station: Go outside for ten minutes and your balls will fall off. In other news..."

Anyway, I think I could pull it off without anyone noticing.

I wish companies hadn't gotten all bacon-ey and started jamming it into everything under the sun. Bacon was better when it was the stealth awesome ingredient. Now it's a little less awesome.

Bacon is the indie band of food groups.